Return Of The Angry Girlfriend: Boys, Toys, & iPhones
I spent the better part of yesterday waiting in line for an iPhone at the Apple SoHo store in NYC, one of three Apple stores in the city where the lines remain more or less launch-day long. Whilst pondering my increasingly inane-seeming rationale for queuing up for six or more hours just to buy that goddamn phone, I struck up a conversation with the pretty blond woman in front of me, who'd just moved from LA to NYC and was discovering that, yes, NYC often makes a person a bit more quick-tempered than they may have been before.
And when an NPR guy stopped by to interview us about podcasts (Of course I plugged our GayGamer and Homotron podcasts), my line buddy picked up that I was a gamer, and a gay, and therefore the perfect person to quiz about her boyfriend's off-putting gaming habits:
"What exactly is a Halo?" She asked.
"It's a shooter that's inexplicably very popular," I replied, wondering if she knew what a shooter was.
"Like, a war game?"
"Yeah, only it's in space. With aliens."
"Got it. Can you tell me why he'd rather play Halo than spend time with me?"
Dangerous question alert. Under terms of the Gamer Code of Honor, I couldn't be totally honest: "Well, it's certainly not because he enjoys games more than he enjoys you!" I joked nervously, wondering how I'd sell out this poor stranger in the GayGamer post I was already composing in my head.
"It's a guy thing." I said lamely, even though it's kinda true. "And to be fair, he's probably playing online with his friends, so it's not like he's choosing to be alone rather than be with you."
"Yes!" She cried. "I'm competing with a fucking headset!"
Read on for the denouement...
"My boyfriend's not a gamer either," I tried, "But we've always been very upfront about who we are, and I made it clear that he'd be entering a relationship with a man who likes to spend lots of time alone and lots of time playing video games. That's me. That's the deal."
"I'm not an IT person or a gamer, so I don't understand." She said. "What's so fun about video games? It feels like they're taking over every spare minute of the day."
"Well, they're definitely taking over TV time, movie time and other entertainment time - and since you don't enjoy games, it probably feels like your time with your boyfriend is evaporating."
"Is the Wii really that much fun?"
I faltered for a moment, torn between conflicting loyalties. "No." I admitted. "But the 360 and PS3 are."
I then launched into a brief bullshitty soliloquy about how men are project oriented and that we may, in fact, unwind better by focusing on a goal-oriented project like playing a game. She didn't buy it and I can't fault her for it.
"We do find," I said, changing tacks, "That a lot of gay gamers have non-gaming boyfriends, and this conflict arises in those relationships just as it does in straight relationships. I get just as frustrated as many straight men when my boyfriend takes me shopping, for instance..." I was wandering, and had run out of justifications for why games are so much fun.
"Do you play games every day? Don't lie."
"No..." I lied. "Sometimes I just come home and watch Ugly Betty."
"I love that show!" My line buddy exclaimed.
I'd gotten off the hook just in time to finally buy the iPhone. Saved by the cashier, I suppose. But the question lingered, as it does whenever the subject comes up: how do gamers justify, beg for, or insist upon taking the time to indulge in our favorite pastime? If I see one more episode of Supernanny where the father tunes out of his own family by immersing himself in his Xbox... Not to mention the several gay couples I know who broke up more or less because of WoW...
Is there a disconnect between gaming and real-world responsibilities? Is that disconnect inherent in video gaming, or symptomatic of a few who use games to help avoid specific issues they might otherwise have to face, like a strained relationship? Or is our culture merely adjusting to the relatively sudden dominance of gaming - Couch Potato 2.0?
I certainly know many more gamers who integrate gaming into their lives in a healthy and balanced way, but I also hear notes of truth in various joking conversations about how WoW or Pokemon have temporarily "sucked away my life." Thoughts?
[Picture Credit: GlobalNerdy]
tiny dancer
Posted to Hot Stuff, Miscellany on 29 July 2008
· Comments (21)
Other stuff like this: boyfriends, gamers, iphone, non gamers, the angry girlfriend
I think you're right about games being an entertainment choice. In just the same way your bf/gf might not like the movies you want to watch, he or she might not like the games you play.
I don't see why everything has to be done together in a relationship, though. She doesn't like video games? Don't play them. I'm sure there's an activity he doesn't like that she does all the time.
It's a give and take.
Even as a more casual gamer than most of the GG crew, I'm guilty of this too at times. I try to schedule my gaming for times when I know no one is going to be depending on interaction with me. It's just too easy to become engrossed. This means no gaming when my son is at my house and awake.
Although the list of desirable traits for my mythical perfect bf includes being a gamer of some sort, it's not a hard requirement. In fact, the older I get, the less I expect to find a gamer at all. Then again, lately I've been dubious about meeting anyone at all. Maybe this means I should game less and get myself out of the house more....
funny how this sort of problem never arises because "my boyfriend spends too much time reading. why is reading taking over every spare minute of the day? what's so fun about books?"
this is probably because everyone these days seems to be functionally illiterate - not because they can't read, but because they don't.
i, on the other hand, am a gamer, an avid film buff, and a doctoral candidate in literature. and even if you put my relatively odd interest-combination aside, the same argument could theoretically be made for reading (and for film, too, but one often goes to the movies *with* someone, providing the illusion of non-solitary enjoyment; most people don't even watch movies properly anyway, which as far as i'm concerned should always (at least the first time you see a film) be a private, personal experience. the second time on - feel free to go all mst3k on its ass).
for reading to work as entertainment, it needs to be done alone - all of this girl's (relatively reasonable, considering) arguments can be equally applied.
that nobody has this kind of problem with books is symptomatic of the fact that literature is universally understood to be an art form. games are, at best, a hobby. her problem with games, i suspect, is not that they're bogarting her boyfriend's attention, but that he casts her aside for something so seemingly trivial.
and, as far as this gamer is concerned, halo's pretty trivial. ;-)
Well... I hate to say it, but relationships do need a level a compromise. What gets compromised is between the couple though.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, and I had the inclination that the relationship would last, I quit playing WoW and started playing other games that I enjoyed but weren't nearly as involved. He isn't a gamer, but he's also met me in the middle ground to play a few casual games that he can get into.
He loves to watch movies though... all the time. I'm not a movie guy. So, in between, we go to see new movies together and he plays Wii Sports with me, but when he sits down to watch Girl Flick #278, I also turn on gore-fest shoot-em-up #736, and we're both happy ;)
I'm not sure I agree completely with the comments posted here.
I disagree that reading must be done alone - there are many ways to include your gf/bf in this form of entertainment assuming they enjoying books in one form or another. However, the difference between reading books and playing games is that book time rarely takes up the entire day. Every form of entertainment can include the other even if it isn't done directly.
If one person feels that the other is spending too much time doing something else, then there is something wrong with the relationship. So I think the girl's problem is one of the following:
- The girl is too clingly unwilling to give her bf some alone time to do with as he pleases as she wants to do everything together.
- The guy is spending far too much time playing games (or with his mates) than devoting time to the relationship.
I completely agree with Jesse James. That is how a relationship should work IMO :) Apologies to all, Jesse James comment wasn't published when I posted my first reply.
I'm lucky, or I guess my boyfriend is(?). I'm a gaming girl and he loves games too. Albeit a different variety, he plays tabletop games mainly these days, whist I dig further and further into videogames. Not that he doesn't play videogames, much of his time though is eaten by the creation and deployment of his armies.
We have an understanding about that, we meet in the middle where he plays games a bit, and I've dabbled in tabletop gaming in the past. So it works really for the best, we can play games together no matter what it may be and still have fun.
I've learned that it just isn't worthwhile to be with somebody who doesn't understand me and my gaming habits, it too hard to convey that interest to somebody who either does not or will no understand.
That said I love my boyfriend to no end, can't imagine life without him.
Good post, Tiny.
I'm probably the most casual gamer on GayGamer. I play maybe a few hours every few weeks and actually spend more time reading about games than playing them. For me, my "escape" has really become the internet....so while my bf is playing shoot-the-alien #348, I sit and read about the next Animal Crossing or rumored ride at Disneyland. In both cases it becomes a problem if we do it too much....but in and of itself it's fine.
I've asked him not to get immersed in something like WOW (and luckily he's fine with that) and I've been asked to close the laptop more. We both accommodate :)
Now the real trick is getting him to the bedroom more often. That's when I start to feel like the typical long-term-girlfriend. ;)
Brer Dan
of course compromise is the way to go, certainly. i'm going to compromise with my boyfriend and go see "mamma mia" against my better judgment. in fairness, he came to see "the fall" with me. but i went to see "sex and the city" with him, so i guess he owes me at least a "brideshead revisited." anyway.
@MME:
"book time rarely takes up the entire day"? well, of course, it does for me, but i'm in a special situation, what with my work. but while that may be true, it says less about books and games qua forms of entertainment and more about the priorities and values of the consumer society. what i mean is that reading certainly *can* take up as much time as video games do, and if it did, "my boyfriend spends too much time reading" wouldn't carry as much weight in terms of argumentation as "my boyfriend spends too much time playing video games." this is an argument about the status of games in the popular conception as art/not-art.
there are a few ways to enjoy reading with a loved one, i suppose, none of which (that i can think of right off the top of my head) would be very satisfying and stimulating intellectually, but whatever. it seems to me, though, that there are just as many ways to enjoy gaming with a loved one - more, even, since interactivity is built into games in a way entirely unlike other forms of entertainment.
it's just about priorities, and that's why i think, ultimately, MME's final paragraph is right on the money.
Wow... That post was like a Sex and the City episode! I was totally hearing your voice in the style of Carrie Bradshaw.
(read: I LOVED IT! lol)
I'm slowly convincing my bf that video games are fun again. I think he went through a period of time where he thought it was best to "grow out of" them. But I've slowly been re-introducing them into his/our life and they can certainly be a breath of fresh air at times. :)
My Hubby is a gamer too. When we met one of the main things we shared a love for was Unreal Tournament. We spent many a night dodging each others rockets on Morpheus when we were dating.
I guess the only thing I can suggest is finding activities that you both can share together.
And here is a extra nerdy tip for my brethren who have spouses that don't get into gaming. Couple gaming with another activity! Get yourself a racing game and try to beat each others best times while you "distract" them. Orally. *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Works with Mario Bros. too!
Oh Tiny. The Wii really *is* that fun... for gamers and non-gamers to come together and enjoy.
The boyfriend in question ought to play some Boom Blox with his girlfriend. I've even gotten my parents hooked on it.
(Also, the real solution is to date a gamer. My cousin and her boyfriend met playing Halo and since they're still long-distance the most time they spend interacting is probably when they're playing games together online.)
Thought provoking.
Gaming is a lot like fetishes. A foot fetish or a tendency to enjoy giving a good spaking is great, but not if it's the only thing that gets you off. That's a maladaptive behavior.
If someone were to do nothing but put gaming before people, then I think it's a problem.
Also, for the record, I hate feet.
Really great article.
I LOVE my WII(& my PC).
One of the things that I find interesting is that so few people view games as a potential spectator sport. I love sitting on the couch with my wife and watching her play games. It's fun watching someone else play a game, even if it's not one I would play myself.
The neglect that a lot of SO's and spouses seem to feel stems from games is largely, IMO, because they feel excluded. Sometimes I watch movies and television shows I don't like, because my wife likes them. She makes the same trade sometimes. We do this because it lets us spend time together, which is nice for us as a couple. But I'm the only one who ever shares a single-player gaming experience with my wife, so when I get obsessive about GTA4 or Bioshock, we lose a lot of couple-time.
A lot of this could be resolved with some basic openmindedness. Sit down and watch your SO play games. Even if you think the game is stupid. At the very least, you'll advertise that you care enough to try.
I'm a female gamer with a gamer bf. We both love video games so it should seem like there wouldn't be any problems as far as gaming is concerned. Unfortunately, the biggest issue we (actually I) have is finding enough time to spend with one another. Sure, we can game together, but that isn't the same as going out to a nice dinner or something.
My bf becomes obsessed with games like MGS4, GTA4, and MvC2. I become obsessed with games all the time (Guild Wars, Final Fantasy), but I usually stop playing when my bf stops by. It seems like I can never get him to stop. I guess some people just have addictive personalities.
I think Caliban raised an interesting point about watching video games. My boyfriend and I both love playing video games, but he can (and does) play just about anything whereas I'm more of a casual gamer. When I'm alone, I'm more prone to putting a dvd in our 360/PS3 than a game, so it's not often that I invest myself into a game that'll require a lot of consecutive sessions, because chances are it'll get put on the back-burner (I still haven't finished Twilight Princess, despite having thoroughly enjoyed what I played so far).
On the other hand, my boyfriend's favourite games are RPGs. And since he works at a game store, he usually comes home with a new one every week or two. Does this make a problem for us?
...not really! More games lately (not even just RPGs) have had a lot of attention being directed towards the storylines and the characters, and it can actually be quite fun and relaxing to watch a complicated interactive narrative unfold without you having to do anything since someone else is pushing the buttons. And when my boyfriend and I are experiencing the game together like that, it gives us some fun conversation topics and inside jokes afterwards. Really, it's just a different kind of narrative to be entertained by.
Sure, Halo isn't as fun to watch as, say, Persona 3, but if I'm so bored I can't stand to watch any more, I'll just head into the bedroom and watch a movie on our other TV. No biggie.
I won't lie that sometimes it's aggravating that I spend more time watching him play video games than he does watching movies with me, but again, that's an issue to do with compromises, not an issue of the thing itself. Games could be substituted with any entertainment form. Hell, my first boyfriend was a workaholic. In my opinion it's a step-up having someone choose entertainment over you than someone choosing WORK over you. Maybe THAT'S where my self-esteem went.
.... They have issues that go beyond games.
There's a disconnect, all right. She hasn't even looked over her boyfriend's shoulder to see what exactly he's playing (then she wouldn't have had to ask to find out it was a war game). I wonder if her boyfriend tried to hide his love of games at first instead of introducing her to his XBox. Communication, people!
Gaming and relationships is going to be a hot topic for new mental health professionals. Even though what you said to your line buddy had a definite "Men are from Mars" bullshit feel for it, it's generally true: video games act as a cathartic release for many men. And it's not just a psychological thing - it's chemical. In the same way that chocolate - to be more extreme, cocaine - affects the pleasure pathway of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, so thus does gaming. Pleasure from orgasm, for that matter.
Because couples often have limited time together, an activity that is single person oriented can sometimes be seen as selfish. But it seems different for video games than other mediums. For example, I've never heard: "I had to break up with my boyfriend, he simply read too much."
I think it's important for couples to have honest communication about this. "I don't understand why you like that," is not a great thing to say in a relationship. Understanding another person is one of the important tenants of relationship building. If your partner doesn't understand why you like to game, tell them some things you enjoy - and find ways to get involved together.
Finally (sheesh, it's like I'm posting a dissertation here) - one of the best shared concepts of a gamer/non-gamer relationship is to allow 15 minutes of non-game time directly upon coming home, or your partner coming home (if you work different hours). This way, you can communicate with each other and focus directly on your partner.
My boyfriend never really got it when I played video games, but he kind of had fun watching me play for a bit...then we got the first Buffy game for the Xbox, and that got him to pick up a controller....then came KOTOR, and the many, many months of playing through that again and again have now brought us to the point where we've got all three systems and we just spent last night beating the %^*@! out of each other on Soul Calibur IV.
My point being is that he should compromise, but by doing it wisely and integrating her into his gameplay and not isolating himself under the headset. Maybe it might go so far that one day she'd have a headset too?
I also like to play alot.
But whenever I can I include my friends around me into it. May it be in person or via online gaming.
I'd do the same if I actually had a boyfriend.
On the other hand it is my hobby and I expect that my hobbies are tolerated and respected. Thats also how I do treat my friends.